It has definitely been a long journey finding my faith, and one that did not come easily. Throughout my entire life, I could always sense that God was close by, I was just never able to fully see or accept Him into my heart, or as my savior, until now.
Until I saw the miracles he can perform, and how fast somebody’s life can change, literally in the blink of an eye. Now is the time to make peace with God, yourself, and any of those that may have done you wrong, that you have yet to forgive.
Get right with God, and walk in His peace, presence and most importantly His LOVE! He will take care of those that seek to harm or hurt you. You need only be faithful and obedient to him, everything else is already taken care of.
Let them be confounded and consumed that are adversaries to my soul, let them be covered with reproach and dishonor that seek my hurt. Psalms 71:13
This is my story –
At the young age of 17, I published a book of poetry and an autobiographical piece, as part of my Senior Project, titled ‘The Rose’ At that time, I had never tasted success so sweet! It felt amazing to see my thoughts and ideas finally bound, and in my hand.
As amazing as I had already felt achieving my goal of my finishing my book, I still decided to take it one step further. I also decided to sell copies of my book, after my presentation, to the panel grading me, which I got an ‘A’ on of course! Creativity and business, what a wonderful combination!
I was the only senior to walk out of that classroom with cash in my pocket, and the knowledge in knowing, that a little piece of my project would be to all my teachers and mentors, long after I had graduated and walked those halls one last time.
In my youth, I used to write a poem, or a page a night, every night, for years. And then, one day, I just stopped. I cannot recall the precise moment that I simply just lost my inspiration, or if it slowly faded over time. I’m not sure if it was me, or life just taking over, and priorities outweighing passion; which is by no means, truly living at all!
However, the coals have continued to burn red hot in my heart, and have just been waiting for the right wind to come, and reignite my soul. That wind is here, fueling the flames of my passion, and it’s burning hotter than it ever has before! Something is changing in me! Ideas that have been trapped in my mind and heart for 15 years are now beginning to overflow!
It is an amazing feeling, a sense of finding ME again! Finding out what my strengths are, and beginning a new journey; similar to before, but, oh so very very different! Different is good, shoot, it’s amazing!!
I am now wiser and guided by God. He is my captain, and I, his ship. Going wherever He leads, as I now know, He will never lead me astray.
In the past 8 years, he has blessed me with two incredibly beautiful children, both so gifted, and filled with his light and LOVE. They inspire me and push me to levels I never dreamed possible. He has restored my heart with faith, which is so powerful!
He has allowed me to swallow my pride, and know, that anything done with love and through Him, will always conquer any challenges faced.
A new found confidence, fresh ideas, and open eyes, to see things clearer than ever before!
Prior to me finding Him, I had endured a lot of heartache, pain, remorse, addiction, regret, depression and shame. I had become so accustomed to hiding it all, deep down, where it resided, like my own personal Hell within.
Far enough down to ensure that nobody could see the ugly burdens I carried with me, as I entered the room. Deep enough down, to also ensure, that I could not see them any longer myself.
I did not want to be reminded of that in which I had created within, and after time, unknowingly, it became a part of me.
A life consumed with a fake smile, to mask all the hurt, mistakes, and failures. A constant longing and desire to become the person I was pretending to be. Literally, fighting a war amongst myself. At the very end of this battle, I even cursed Him and had convinced myself that nobody could help me, not even the Lord.
At that moment, just when I could take no more, my Son’s Father told me to pray. Now, of course, I refused and cursed God, AND him, both one last time. Then, in the calmest voice, he looked at me, who was completely broken and said:
Then I’ll pray for you…
and he did.
For the first time, in as long as I could remember, I felt calm. The battle I created with God, and the war I started within myself was ending. I still do not know what he was said or what he prayed for, he just held my hand, bowed his head, and prayed.
I got up, wiped my tears, and took a deep breath. The biggest breath I think I had ever taken before. Almost as if, it was my first time breathing, and truthfully and symbolically, it was.
Just shy of 48 hours later, I found myself in church, and I was now weeping with tears of joy, thanking Jesus for just waiting for me. Thanking him, for making the battle within me, finally seize.
Now I know that man cannot save another man’s faith in one’s flesh, however, the Lord can speak through people. People he knows you will hear, at a time when you are finally listening.
On that day, in particular, he spoke through my Son’s father, through that prayer, and through his acceptance of me, in my lowest state. That act alone was God, and God alone.
In the past, he has also spoken to me through my daughter, and on several occasions. That night actually, after everything had subsided, she asked me numerous times, if we could go to church.
She has been hungry for His word for some time now and has been persistent. I was also persistent in telling her no, or making an excuse, until that night.
When I looked at her, and finally said yes, I saw a smile and light in her eyes, that I will never forget. She now counts down the days until Sunday, starting on Monday, and absorbs as much she can in between services.
We pray together, we laugh together, we dance and sing to gospel music together. Most importantly, we have found a new love for each other, through the love of the Lord, together.
In finding true peace, and acceptance with the Lord, I also found it within myself. I have learned, that He has forgiven me, for everything, and I need to do the same.
He has also reminded me, that all the mistakes, trials, and tribulations, caused by walking a path alone for many years, was actually all part of His path and plan FOR me all along. It has all led me to where I am today, and was all part of HIS plan, all along.
Now, I stand as a woman of God, a mother of two amazing children, and they are my continued reasons, to just keep going, no matter what. I am now a woman who truly knows how to love, and have emotions that are always on the extreme side of the scale, truly, it’s all or nothing with me!
I am intelligent, genuine and most importantly, I’m proud of who I’ve become, because of Him and his gracious love! I am no longer ashamed or remorseful, rather now, I’m just so very thankful! Thankful for every opportunity He has given me; whether it was good, bad or everything in between.
Every part of my past is now creating the future He intended for me to have, which looks oh so much brighter, than ever before! I would not be here, at this moment, writing this entry, if it were not for the LOVE and patience of the Lord or my past.
The very past that He shined His light on, and brought me to, and through, successfully. Even when I cursed him and my miserable life, He was still there, every step of the way, simply waiting for ME, to hear Him.
I have since regained my passion for writing and am loving it again, as that is the gift and talent He intended for me. He has unshackled me from the chains of limitations, that I had set upon myself.
All of those negative feelings, that I trapped, deep down inside, for nearly half of my life; now all coming to the surface, manifested into inspiration, and falling onto the paper, as I’m letting them go.
Here are a new beginning and a new journey, due to finding His calling for me in life, and a reborn spirit!
I am so, incredibly blessed to be here today, with the ability to share this journey with all of you, and your beautiful souls. I really hope, for those of you that have read my story, that at least just one of you can relate, and that just one of you find faith and hope in knowing, it will all be okay.
Nothing lasts forever, the pain and hurt can fade, you just have to allow Him in, and He WILL take it all away, always. Thank you again, and always remember, the best is yet to come!