On this day, the day of my birth, I sit reflecting back on my life, and all the monumental moments that have forever shaped me into the woman I am today – It has been a 33-year long journey, and there is so much to say.
It’s been a life filled with a multitude of lessons, and an equal amount of blessings, bearing forth from them; heartache, growth, children, joy, wisdom and many reasons to rejoice.
On this day, I share my journey to find YOU, in ‘An Affirmation of My Faith’
I’ve worn the hat of many and played the part of so many various roles throughout my life. Some, definitely more honorable than others, but they all played a role in my being delivered to you. The one and the only, ultimate truth.
I wear each hat today with honor and pride, as I am now able to acknowledge that through it all, good and bad, faith or not, you remained constant and by my side.
So patient with me, as I wandered lost for so many years, to your word I was both deaf and blind.
Never able to quite focus or gain sight of you then; now reflecting back on all the changes I have been through – the blessings, the babies, relationships, friendships, and careers, it’s clear now, you were there through all the years.
From the little girl that wanted to be a ballerina and a dancer, who’s leg injury halted a career I was definitely not meant for. That in itself was one of your many answers.
To the transition made from a girl climbing trees and playing with dolls – to the lost teen that put that down to pick up drugs and alcohol. So many nights I have no idea how I survived. Now I realize it was you all those years, who kept me alive.
You watched over me when I first started writing, sadly it was while in mourning but it was my way of getting through and my way of fighting.
The first love I ever had, was buried at such a young age, a tragedy with a lot of questions and speculations raised. Looking back, I think that moment is ultimately what set the stage.
A day that I’ll never forget and a day that’s followed me into every other relationship since. It’s the cause of being so scared and terrified of letting go, of even those I know I have to.
It’s hard to willingly release somebody, when you’ve had someone you never wanted to leave, taken from you.
Now I’m able to forgive and understand that you needed him more with you. In the end, this may have been the salvation he needed and the shock that carried and delivered so many of us through.
From graduation on, for several years everything seemingly calmed down. I stayed focused. Kept myself busy playing house and being a wife, although still unmarried. Yet, I was walking in ultimate darkness, but too “in love” to notice.
I lost a lot in those 8-years but gained so much in the end. It took me a long time to figure out why you kept me there so long until I gave birth to my daughter and best friend.
Motherhood is what ultimately began to open my eyes and heart to you. The first night I held my daughter, something inside me just knew. I just couldn’t gain focus and still had to get a little closer, for a better view.
A view that ultimately I did receive shortly after this moment. Although brief and still blurry, it was still acknowledged. It was the sense of just being at peace and led me to my daughter’s dedication in your love and grace. (12/14/08)
I wept to your word for the first time that day, and again, my heart just knew. I knew the one thing missing this entire time was the peace and presence of you. But, I wasn’t quite ready still, pieces of my path and plan were left unfulfilled.
You fell back into the distance, yet never leaving my life of course. You were there, watching, protecting and guiding me through some of my hardest parts. A lot of lessons learned, a lot of them forced.
Being a first time Mom was hard, being a single Mom was brutal; not knowing what to expect was actually a blessing or I would have never followed through – But, this you already knew.
Just when I was starting to get the hang of things, I began to have issues with my health and chronic pain. Nothing serious, but just enough, making the next stage well, pretty damn tough.
This is what ultimately lead me to the height of my addiction, which stayed it’s course with me, leading right up to my first felony conviction. (4/10/10)
I looked for you again during this time, crying out over your word, and searching for you sitting in that cell.
But all was done in vein, or so I thought, as my heart was so hardened at that point, all my efforts went straight to the wayside and were simply lost.
Now, I understand there was nothing at all lost in translation, I was exactly where I was supposed to be, and that was the beginning of my long, but successful transformation.
Once it was all said and done, and the dust finally settled, you decided the timing was perfect to stir things up a little.
Relocating my Dad for work to a place we had never even heard of. Thinking to myself…”The nerve of…”Now you’re taking away my rock, and my vital support system.
Angry at first, but soon I realized, it was time to just be still, stop and listen.
Although I didn’t know the reason, I just knew we had to go too. With no angst or fear, we packed up and left, little did I know, we were now one step closer to you.
Initially coming to just clear my head for a bit, that was nearly 6-years ago so you could say we found our fit.
The transition was definitely hard, I had just left behind everything and everybody I’ve ever known.
With an open mind, however, slowly but surely I began to adapt and started to consider this place home.
The first few years here were really steady and calm, making new friends, finding a fun job and going back to school, just finally living life doing the norm.
You allowed me the opportunity to just focus on myself and my family. Because you knew that without this moment of peace, there was no way I could have handled what obstacles were coming up ahead of me.
A few trials and tribulations here and there began, but nothing that couldn’t be resolved without grief. Times were trying yes, but considering the latest I’ve been through, these times were a relief.
My biggest and ultimate struggle, in the end, was in the name and assumption of, love ….again. You’d think I’d figure it out. Mistakingly becoming infatuated and consumed by the enemy of my flesh, no doubt.
Soon, however, the revelations started flowing, and love was quickly replaced with a fast temper, questions of doubt and animosity growing. Eventually, it all ended up imploding, screams and shouts, leading me to my biggest obstacle to overcome and ultimate fallout.
The changes in me didn’t just happen overnight, but when I look back at it all now, I can pinpoint moments as they slowly progressed.
My “all about positivity” and “doing me” attitude, little by little, just completely diminished.
Bouts of depression fell on me randomly, but mostly while in between jobs, but still I was always able to recover. Although that is just a temporary fix, as you were about to help me discover.
It’s so funny how we try to convince ourselves that we can handle everything and just go life alone. I can see the humor in this now, only due to the powerful revelations I have since been shown.
After years of being consumed by, and in a false relationship with darkness and ones self, suddenly it was no longer about us anymore, but somebody else. When it came down to it, and it all really mattered, the reality of having someone above him set it, and darkness scattered.
So here I am again, now a mother of two. My Son and Daughter, both children in a single parent home. Something, I couldn’t even pretend to know. Doing it by myself again, but hey, what’s new?
This time it was easier because I knew what to do. At least that’s the lie I told myself, and others too.
The reality was, however, a little different than that. I was mad at the world, beyond bitter, jealous of his chance to exit, completely exhausted, and some days wanting to just take it all back.
Why? Why after years of dedication and doing the right thing, did it end up like this… again?
At the time I couldn’t figure out the answer and desperately wanted to. Now, walking in faith, I can’t figure out how I couldn’t see it then, and now I know … the answer was you.
With the weight of the world on my shoulders, two kids that I never saw, because of an unreasonably demanding job, I was now drinking daily simply to cope.
One night with just a phone call from my daughter, asking when I’d be home, years of piling it all on, finally collapsed and everything just broke.
After so long of putting my career before everything, because I felt I had to, I typed up my resignation, gathered my belongings, and finally, let go of what I had been clinging to. I then made sure to leave my hands open, to reach out to you. (9/9/16)
Although consumed with guilt for leaving and making this big decision for my family, just like that. I also knew that I had to leave for my sake, and something just kept telling me, do not look back.
It was time for me to be a Mother to my kids, making them first, not last. They lost their Mom to work and were already short a Dad.
It took me a while to realize just how important being there for them truly was, but you quickly showed me when I saw how fast and immediately different they had become.
Still, in shock and adjusting to all that had happened, it took a moment for the reality of it all to set in. When it did, it all started again. First with anger, than unforgiving bitterness, and lastly, a quick transition to absolute hatred.
Mad at the world because of the actions of just one. The one that didn’t have any idea of what I had been through, or what their walking out had done.
One who’s life never even changed in the least; acting as if having to hold up the world, hold down a career and raise two kids alone was just an easy feat.
This was my final battle before seeing the light of your grace. I was broken, at the bottom of the bottom, completely empty, and although I barely had any, I lost what was left of all my hope, desire, and faith.
Oddly enough, the one I cast my hatred upon, was also the one you used to speak life back into me. You knew I would listen, and this would ultimately be, the last thing of value he’d ever serve to me.
You knew that I had done enough, I had carried it all as far as one could, possibly – and now, it was time for me to finally be free.
On a Friday evening, I sat broken and done with life, on the bathroom floor. This is where I cursed you specifically, convinced that there was just nothing more.
At that moment, the one I blamed for causing all my strife, sat down beside me and said a prayer, in silence. The last true positive words were spoken between us, and that was the last time I saught him to confide in.
Honestly, something changed in me that night. I felt my heart begin to soften and some of the anger subside. Something in me knew, it was going to be alright.
Not even two days later I found myself seated in the front row of Church, for the first time in almost 8 years I attended a service and was finally able to end my search. (9/18/16)
You had known me my entire life; every detail, tear, and smile. Solely responsible for my entire journey of faith being renewed, it was such an honor for me, to finally meet you.
You were the reason behind every blessing, intentional setback, and relocation; the guide behind every minute of every mile. You are patient, loving, forgiving and so graceful.
You waited for me until the timing was just right. I had always searched for you, but finally, as I listened to Pastor’s Sermon, You were fully in my sight.
Crystal Clear this time, I finally found you. Consumed mind, body and soul by the eternal love you offer, so genuine and the ultimate truth.
Thankfully, from that moment on, my life has NOT been the same, and for that, I give you nothing but my humble and unwavering faith and praise.
Overflowing with gratitude for every blessing received, and every sacrifice you’ve made.
With my eyes set on only you, now fully focused, I am gratefully and forever changed, never again to be the same. So, now I close this in the only way that seems fitting, and that is in –
Jesus’ Glorious name!